Der Hollenlili (cygnebleu) wrote in happydementor,
Der Hollenlili
cygnebleu
happydementor

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Taking out repressed anger on fanfic.

Now, on to the review.

AHAHAHAHAHA!
I mean... Nobody's Perfect, by Akemi.

As everyone who has ever taken an English class already knows, there are several fundamental tenets of writing. Grammar, characterization, plot. Directness and simplicity of prose.

For the love of god, simplicity of prose! It's a lovely little concept, and every author should keep in mind that the more direct and simple their prose is, the less of a chance that I'll fall out of my chair laughing at their rapefic.

Taking it one unintentionally hilarious description at a time...

The second paragraph starts with Percy saying something. Then come lines upon lines of clunky exposition, and by the time Percy finishes his sentence at the end of the paragraph, I had forgotten what he was talking about.


This is not about poor writing, it is about genetics and no one cares but me. Red hair is not a dominant gene in the Weasley family! Red hair is not a gene, but a trait, and no matter how many Weaslies have red hair, it is still a recessive trait!
... What?
... Don't make me draw you a Punett Square.
... Bitch.


By and large, the first chapter contains no particular egregious mistakes, until Oliver goes from straight to gay and in love with Percy in the space of three and a half seconds. Somehow, I don't quite buy it... but perhaps that's just me.

I have nothing to say about chapter two. It did a decent job of selling Oliver's sudden gayness, they almost kissed, and my inner fangirl went 'squeee!'.

The fun starts in chapter three, with the most hilarious rape scene I've ever read.


    A short list of grievances:
  • In the first paragraph, Madam Pomfrey is described as a witch-doctor. All I can think of now is the poor school nurse dancing around in a grass skirt, chanting "Ooh eee ooh ooh aah, ting tang wala wala bing bang." *crosses self* God save us all.

  • So Percy goes to visit Marcus for some reason. Madam Pomfrey points him toward the right room, and proceeds to vanish into thin air. At least, I hope she vanishes, because if she hasn't left then she's probably puttering about in the infirmary, humming loudly and tunelessly to cover the sounds of horrible rape from the adjacent room. Eew.

  • Marcus's body parts seem to be acting on their own rather than taking orders from his brain, and Percy's body parts seem to be disconnected and to belong to no one in particular. Examples:

    Marcus snarled at him, hand slapping Percy hard. "Dont even dare say that name!" He slapped him again, two bruises rapidly appearing on the cheeks.

    The pale skin was flecked with freckles and it was so soft to the touch.


    The second one disturbs me the most... it reads as though Percy's skin has been removed, tanned, and mounted on a wall.

  • Marcus's fingers pulled the pants down Percy's hips angrily, ignoring the tears.
    What does this sentence mean? I can count 5 meanings... can you find more?
    • Obviously, the author meant that Marcus removed Percy's pants, but Percy was crying.
    • However, the grammar of the sentence does not preclude the possibility that the pants were crying.
    • Percy's hips could have been crying too, or indeed anything else in the room. See what happens when you don't use posessive pronouns?
    • Or perhaps I'm being fooled by homonyms, and the pants are torn?
    • And once again, Marcus's body parts are moving and acting on their own. I picture him unbalanced and moving jerkily, like a poorly controlled puppet...


  • The word 'orifice' used in fiction is an abomination against god and man.

  • Pomfrey had been gone, no doubt eating with Albus so there were no questions asked. Oh my GOD. She WAS in the other room, pointedly ignoring the rape, and then she fled to Dumbledore's office in search of an alibi!


Enough of chapter three, let's move on to chapter four. The author's note, thankfully, soothes my horrible fear that Madam Pomfrey was watching and perving... but the odd, overblown style in which the sex was written seems to have bled over to the rest of the fic!



  • 'Orbs' is NOT an acceptable synonym for eyes! A marble is an orb. The gazing ball out in the back garden is an orb. The Death Star is an orb. The eyeball? NOT AN ORB.

    Not to mention that one would be hard-pressed to find a sillier word than 'orb.' Honestly, whichever idiot started using it as a synonym should apologise to all fanfiction readers and to the English language. If I ever see it used in a professionally published book -- that is when I will truly believe the apocalypse is nigh.

    And the sentence as a whole seems entirely disconnected from the fic and gives me the best mental picture EVER. Quoting it here would ruin the impact. I'd say you had to see it in the context of the fic, but there isn't really any context.

  • Also, 'administrations' is not a synonym for beating the crap out of someone.

  • Percy moved to stand but Oliver held on fast to his knees. "Betrayed me? [...] I dont blame you for your bodies reactions."

    I knew it! I knew there was an extra body in that scene! XD

  • Sobs constricted Percy's speaking ability, nodding.

    Words cannot express my feelings for this sentence. I hate and fear it, yet I feel for it as one would feel for a three legged kitten. It cannot help itself, it must make its way in this cruel world regardless of its defects and deformities. Pity the sentence! Donate today.

  • I hadn't brought it up before, but... 'your' signifies posession. 'you're' signifies a state of being.


Chapter five starts out cute and degenerates quickly. *holds up a huge red 'squick' sign* Happycute Fred/George as a side pairing is enough to make me flee in horror from any fic. It's a personal squick, but it's a HUGE squick. Perhaps there will eventually be some point to this pairing showing up in the fic, but right now there seems to be none.

Oh, and 'mongrel' is not a synonym for 'whore'. Never never never eew.

In summary... it started out readable. What happened?
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