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Best. Fic. Ever. [05 Jul 2003|03:26am]

Title: Doing It

Pairing: Snape/Bloody Baron.

Edited because I'm too retarded to post a link.
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[17 Jun 2003|05:25am]

Feeling even more of a dork than I do when randomly bitching about minute inaccuracies in 'The Serpentine Chain'...

This fic is ALL about chess. SQUEEE!
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Taking out repressed anger on fanfic. [18 Apr 2003|12:39am]

[ mood | annoyed ]

Now, on to the review.

I mean... Nobody's Perfect, by Akemi.

As everyone who has ever taken an English class already knows, there are several fundamental tenets of writing. Grammar, characterization, plot. Directness and simplicity of prose.

For the love of god, simplicity of prose! It's a lovely little concept, and every author should keep in mind that the more direct and simple their prose is, the less of a chance that I'll fall out of my chair laughing at their rapefic.

Taking it one unintentionally hilarious description at a time...

The second paragraph starts with Percy saying something. Then come lines upon lines of clunky exposition, and by the time Percy finishes his sentence at the end of the paragraph, I had forgotten what he was talking about.

Meaningless Nerdy RantCollapse )

By and large, the first chapter contains no particular egregious mistakes, until Oliver goes from straight to gay and in love with Percy in the space of three and a half seconds. Somehow, I don't quite buy it... but perhaps that's just me.

I have nothing to say about chapter two. It did a decent job of selling Oliver's sudden gayness, they almost kissed, and my inner fangirl went 'squeee!'.

The fun starts in chapter three, with the most hilarious rape scene I've ever read.

No constructive criticism here.Collapse )

Enough of chapter three, let's move on to chapter four. The author's note, thankfully, soothes my horrible fear that Madam Pomfrey was watching and perving... but the odd, overblown style in which the sex was written seems to have bled over to the rest of the fic!

Run for the hills!Collapse )

Chapter five starts out cute and degenerates quickly. *holds up a huge red 'squick' sign* Happycute Fred/George as a side pairing is enough to make me flee in horror from any fic. It's a personal squick, but it's a HUGE squick. Perhaps there will eventually be some point to this pairing showing up in the fic, but right now there seems to be none.

Oh, and 'mongrel' is not a synonym for 'whore'. Never never never eew.

In summary... it started out readable. What happened?

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Oh, the Horror! [28 Feb 2003|01:43am]

[ mood | nauseated ]

I have found the worst fanfic ever, and I defy anyone to find something more horrifying. This fic makes "legolas" by laura look like the complete ouevres of William Shakespeare, Leo Tolstoy, and Ray Bradbury rolled into one delicious burrito with guacamole on the side. Here is the fanfic, and ahead is a point by point, dead-horse beating extravaganza of everything that is wrong with it.

It starts with the premise. Of course, it's a rapefic, because the worst fanfic in the world could not possibly be anything else. And it's Harry x Draco, because that's the #2 pairing that morons like, right after Snape x Mary Sue.

The first word the author misspells is "be". Apparently, there is an "i" in it somewhere. This is in the disclaimer. Yes, folks, before the fic has started this genius has misspelled a two letter word. The first paragraph- or rather, sentence- is awful, but in a nondescript way that doesn't bear mocking, though I wouldn't say no to a loaded shotgun to the head after reading it. It is in the second paragraph where the true terror and foul horror become apparent.

"In his fantasy Harry has his legs resting on Draco's shoulders and
had offered up a more then willing body to him."

I can't imagine this paragraph describing Submissive!Harry. Instead, the image of Harry sitting on Draco's shoulders, balancing a steaming platter of sexually compliant corpses has burned itsself onto my cerebellum. I'm scarred for life already, and the rape hasn't even started yet. The sentence after this one is not a sentence, and the sentence after that one is two sentences jammed against each other like Harry's naughty bits and Draco's self-lubricating... well, you get the picture.

If I go on with every problem with that paragraph, it will be longer than the fic itsself. So I'll move on to the next paragraph, where Draco thanks Merlin (why Merlin? Why is it always Merlin? Why can't anyone ever swear by the Witch of Endor, or Hermes Trismajestis, or Baphomet? Then something randomly "grabs [Draco] from behind", which prompts him to say "Ohfff" and hear a voice he "barley recognizes as Harry Potters."

Then Harry states the obvious, and Draco confirms it, and Harry tells Draco to sit, and Draco says no, and Harry makes Draco sit with magic, and Draco confuses his unforgivable curses, and the author adds extra "i"s to the words "yes" and "seated."

After about a million lines of boring dialogue, the author feels the need to capitalise "Draco's Cock." And Draco realizes all of a sudden that he's in a rapefic, so he feels like crying and otherwise acting like a little girl, but doesn't. Instead, he vascillates quickly between wanting and not wanting Harry. Really, really quickly.

In the next paragraph, Harry casts a clothes removing spell on Draco, and "It was then that the full situation hit himi," because apparently all of the bondage and domination leading up to this point didn't register as odd. And then, Harry randomly starts to striptease "convincingly", the author capitalizes "bastardize" in the middle of a (run on) sentence, and Draco begins to tremble. Apparently, this trembling is important enough to be mentioned again in the very next sentence, as a prelude to Harry being insanely violent. He says something incomprehensible, pins Draco to a wall, bites his ear, and then breaks his skull. Yes, you heard me. The author then tells us that blood is pouring "out of Draco", as opposed to "out of my eyes" or "out of my brain."

This leads up to Harry randomly yelling, "COME FOR ME!", which brings us to the actual rape itsself. Of course, it's repulsive and disgusting in more ways than I can describe, and somewhere in there the author either tells us that Draco is broken, or reinforces her previous statement that Draco's head is cracked open. Yeah.

Oh look! Draco swears by the Goddess. I just adore this little fanfic crutch, don't you? So and So is not Christian/I don't want to make reference to Christianity- let's make him randomly Wiccan! For no reason! Because I'm too lazy to think up anything original!

After several blows to Draco's body and even more lacerations, Harry
was still no closer to getting into Draco's mouth. "Fine you shit!
Try to resist this Suffocatum1" Bellowed Harry, "unless you start
breathing though your mouth you're nose won't be able to help you."

Note the amazing 1337 curse, Suffocatum1. Or is this Harry's pet name for Draco? The world may never know. Another paragraph of disgusting rape, and the fic is over because Harry leaves and Draco passes out.

I could forgive the premise, if not the execution, if there were maybe some consequences.. maybe even character development, but no. The scene's entire raison d'etre is apparently to make the reader completely nauseated. Why? And why are the reviewers saying they liked it? What is wrong with this world we live in?

I'm off to erase the memory with a round or two to the brain.

7 comments|post comment

Look, it's an actual review! [11 Feb 2003|12:09pm]

Gravamen by Merripestin is a good fic.

The Gollum POV is amazing, and it stays in character the whole time. It's Frodo/Sam slash; I'm not sure whether I'd call it explicit or not. They're obviously having sex, and Gollum's obviously watching, yet it's not a pervy fic...

This author does a better job of Gollum's voice than any I've yet seen. It's not confusing at all, and doesn't even get annoying.
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Love for Three Oranges [04 Aug 2002|11:41pm]

-- Weakness and Power, by ThreeOranges

Quirrelfulness! *whee*
Well-done Quirrelfulness in fanfic was enough, really.... the fact that the Quirrelfulness also came with Snape Slash was only icing on the cake. Being strange, I love that pairing, although I have rarely seen it and even more rarely seen it done well.

The characterization is bang on; in this fic is one of the more Snapelike Snapes I've seen in fanfic in general. He kills his relationship with poor little Quirrel by means of his own abrasive personality, and it's wonderful

Quirrel is pathetic, but adorably so, though most of it. Once he gets Voldie on the back of his head, though, he's absolutely delightful.

Everything about this fic makes me happy. *tosses a bucket of yayness at the readers* Now go read it. ^_^
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Deatheater World Fiction has moved! [04 Aug 2002|10:51pm]

To here, that is, from its old home, because Blogger sucks nitroglycerine and has no message board. Old entries can be found at that URL.

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